Author's note: As always, I do not intend to offend anyone with this post. If it comes across as offensive to you, I do hope that you'll take it in the context of how it was meant: as one young man's feelings about his situation in life.
Here's the thing about dating: it turns out it's scary. And unpredictable. And impossible to get reliable data of any kind. I mean, as an engineering student, I'm quite used to going out and trying to build empirical models of things that simply have too much complexity to model theoretically, but this one is simply over my head.
See, here's the thing (and maybe I shouldn't be posting this online where lots of people can see it, but whatever):
Tonight we had a Stake Home Evening activity: square dancing. It was a lot more fun than I anticipated, probably mostly because they basically conscripted everyone into participating. Also, I managed somehow to get paired with this very pretty, kind young lady for most of the evening. She seemed pretty swell, and I really wanted to catch up with her after the dancing (which is pretty hectic, and leaves little time for chatting, it turns out) was over, maybe try to set up a date, so I could get to know her better. Unfortunately, as soon as the closing prayer was said, I caught one glimpse of her, and then she was gone. Which left me with something of a dilemma. Part of me said to just write it off and move on with my life, maybe hoping that we'll bump into each other at another activity or something. Another part, however, (the go-getting, "Never give up! Never surrender!" part), said, hey, you have her first name and which ward she's in--why not look her up and just give her a call? What do you really have to lose?
This dilemma was further complicated, however, when I discovered that there were three girls with her same first name listed in the ward.
So, I guess here's the thing about dating: most of us guys are often left painted into this corner where we have to try to make a decision all of the time when we try to ask girls out. See, some parts of society (romantic comedies, fairy tales, etc) seem to imply that the right kind of guy is persistent; he would scour a kingdom trying to find the girl whose foot fits in a certain slipper, or knock every door on a street in London looking for a specific girl if that's all the address he had. He takes the information he has, and acts on it.
On the other hand, though, we're constantly bombarded with complaints about guys who are "creepers", and the only line of differentiation that seems to exist is whether or not the attention a guy is giving a girl is desired...if she likes him, then he is attentive, and persistent. If she doesn't like him, then he's a creeper. And none of us want that.
Do you see the pickle that leaves us in? Every time I go to ask a girl out, I have to ask myself whether I've talked to her enough times, whether I'm willing to risk whatever friendship we might have, whether she'll spread some kind of rumor about me being a total doofus who can't take a hint. Most of the time for first dates, this isn't a terribly high risk, since I tend to ask mostly girls I don't know very well, but if it's gotten to the point of a second or third date (I've never been on a fourth, fyi), I start to have to wonder whether they're simply saying yes because they feel obligated, or whether they're actually interested in dating me; whether they're dropping hints that I'm not picking up on that should be saying "leave me alone!"
I've been lucky enough to generally associate with ladies who have been very kind and graceful towards me, but may I just say: ladies, do be kind. We guys may come across as dumb or goofy, or maybe even a little creepy at times, but you have to realize that we don't know! For instance, if I was to call all three of the girls with the same name in this other ward, it's completely uncertain from my point of view whether I'd get permanently labelled by all of them as a creeper, or whether it would be the kind of thing that would buy me points in all of their books. Odds are good that there would be varying reactions to this from all women. Which means that us guys are left to give this thing our best shot, and then just put ourselves at your collective mercy.
So, I'll say it again: ladies, do be kind.
Here's the thing about dating: it turns out it's scary. And unpredictable. And impossible to get reliable data of any kind. I mean, as an engineering student, I'm quite used to going out and trying to build empirical models of things that simply have too much complexity to model theoretically, but this one is simply over my head.
See, here's the thing (and maybe I shouldn't be posting this online where lots of people can see it, but whatever):
Tonight we had a Stake Home Evening activity: square dancing. It was a lot more fun than I anticipated, probably mostly because they basically conscripted everyone into participating. Also, I managed somehow to get paired with this very pretty, kind young lady for most of the evening. She seemed pretty swell, and I really wanted to catch up with her after the dancing (which is pretty hectic, and leaves little time for chatting, it turns out) was over, maybe try to set up a date, so I could get to know her better. Unfortunately, as soon as the closing prayer was said, I caught one glimpse of her, and then she was gone. Which left me with something of a dilemma. Part of me said to just write it off and move on with my life, maybe hoping that we'll bump into each other at another activity or something. Another part, however, (the go-getting, "Never give up! Never surrender!" part), said, hey, you have her first name and which ward she's in--why not look her up and just give her a call? What do you really have to lose?
This dilemma was further complicated, however, when I discovered that there were three girls with her same first name listed in the ward.
So, I guess here's the thing about dating: most of us guys are often left painted into this corner where we have to try to make a decision all of the time when we try to ask girls out. See, some parts of society (romantic comedies, fairy tales, etc) seem to imply that the right kind of guy is persistent; he would scour a kingdom trying to find the girl whose foot fits in a certain slipper, or knock every door on a street in London looking for a specific girl if that's all the address he had. He takes the information he has, and acts on it.
On the other hand, though, we're constantly bombarded with complaints about guys who are "creepers", and the only line of differentiation that seems to exist is whether or not the attention a guy is giving a girl is desired...if she likes him, then he is attentive, and persistent. If she doesn't like him, then he's a creeper. And none of us want that.
Do you see the pickle that leaves us in? Every time I go to ask a girl out, I have to ask myself whether I've talked to her enough times, whether I'm willing to risk whatever friendship we might have, whether she'll spread some kind of rumor about me being a total doofus who can't take a hint. Most of the time for first dates, this isn't a terribly high risk, since I tend to ask mostly girls I don't know very well, but if it's gotten to the point of a second or third date (I've never been on a fourth, fyi), I start to have to wonder whether they're simply saying yes because they feel obligated, or whether they're actually interested in dating me; whether they're dropping hints that I'm not picking up on that should be saying "leave me alone!"
I've been lucky enough to generally associate with ladies who have been very kind and graceful towards me, but may I just say: ladies, do be kind. We guys may come across as dumb or goofy, or maybe even a little creepy at times, but you have to realize that we don't know! For instance, if I was to call all three of the girls with the same name in this other ward, it's completely uncertain from my point of view whether I'd get permanently labelled by all of them as a creeper, or whether it would be the kind of thing that would buy me points in all of their books. Odds are good that there would be varying reactions to this from all women. Which means that us guys are left to give this thing our best shot, and then just put ourselves at your collective mercy.
So, I'll say it again: ladies, do be kind.
You came to the right conclusion, put the ball in their court, and they'll do the rest of the work.
ReplyDeleteYou know what though? Do you really care if the reactions are across the spectrum? The right girl for you won't be deterred by false rumors by stupid girls. I realize I'm not your typical female... but, I say, go for the gold. Put yourself out there, risk, do whatever you want. Whatever happens as far as labels or whatever just don't matter when it comes to finding the right one. If you are always being kind and the gentleman that I know you are, no honest, good person (the type of girl you're actually seeking) will fault you for trying to date!
ReplyDeleteIn other news, I disagree with Lewis. "They'll do the rest of the work"? What work do you expect to be done, anyway? I'm not 100% old fashioned, but I am, and I think most girls are. What I know to be true, is that if a guy wants something, he'll go out and get it. So, in my experience, if I put myself out there, I flirt and am friendly with guys and if they are interested, I expect them to ask and go for it and I will go out with them. I'm not, however, going to do anything more. Because I'm never sure who's interested or not. The nature of the beast is that that is the man's job because of the societal roles we have. No escaping it.
I hope this helps... I love reading your blog. Best of luck. :)